In the beginning I saw the hurt in Clint and I never forgot it, however I became too preoccupied with my flesh to listen to the Lord and pray for him. I was too busy basking in my lust and the attention I got from all the men surrounding me. I remember a distinct moment, where I started wearing clothes that weren't revealing but I knew made me very attractive, dressing like that put a limit on where conversations could go. My clothing set each encounter I had with every male. I remember getting a check in my spirit that Clint was thinking I was attractive and I could see in him sexual sin. After seeing it, I minimized our conversations and any other interactions between us. It wasn't Clint's fault. The clothes I wore and the way I carried myself didn't allow the Lord to work through me. It was me who was gross.
There is no time for selfishness. The Lord has said that He is everything we need, He will sustain us, He will provide for us... He is it. I believe now the reason why He is offering to sustain us is so that we can love others, to share Christ with them. If we are all about Christ, we are all about His people. If we are wrapped up in our own selfish pride, we ignore other peoples cries, aches and emptiness. There is work to be done. I could have been a light in that place. I could have brought purity. I could have poured out Christ's love. But instead, each morning I focused on how good I could make myself look that day. And when I looked good, I scowled and closed off relationships with males if I could tell they were looking at me too long. How can I deliver Christ to people if I make it impossible for them to not stare at my boobs? And how twisted is it that I thought just because my boob crack wasn't showing that I was dressing modestly? If I would have instead, walked in humility and with Christ, He could have really used me to loosen up hardened hearts.
Instead of awakening their spirits, I awakened sexual sin and lust, all because "I didn't know my worth in Christ". While I was not knowing my worth in Christ, I was fulfilling that gap with male attention. How selfish and prideful I am. I couldn't share the love of Christ because I was too busy being selfish. I couldn't hear if the Lord wanted me to pray for Clint because the only thing I wanted to hear was that I was wonderful. I distanced myself from men because I didn't want to look at me with lust, yet I wanted them to say things like, "Why aren't there more girls like you?" If I would have dressed and carried myself in a pure manor, I wouldn't have had to distance myself. If I would have been aligned with Jesus I could have talked with Clint more, I could have heard of his struggles, prayed for the spiritual battle he was going through...
But I didn't. I wasted five months on myself. On pride. On Alyssa. God told us that He is our provider and sustainer. He loves even the smallest sparrow, so much more is His love for us. I know why He provides; so we can give to others, not so we have freedom to be cozy in our flesh. We are not to be lord over our own lives, but submitted under Jesus, Lord of lords. Our lives are fragile and we are not promised tomorrow. Our lives are but a vapor.
Clint is gone. He is not coming back. I wish I could have told him:
Clint, I know sadness, I know darkness and despair. I may not have been in the same situation as whatever you are going through, but I also know redemption, restoration and salvation. I know love, a love that is unconditional. A love that is non-contractual. A love that knows no limits. I know a God who's power is endless, who's grace continues to blow me away. I know that my God wants to wrap you in his arms no matter how old or how big you are. I know that He knows exactly how to love you because He created you. I know that He is waiting for you to call out to Him. Clint, I love you because I know the love of my Father. You are worth so much. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. You are amazing.
